Artsy stuff

That’s it. Diesel is now more expensive than petrol. Ken can’t afford driving Herbert anymore. From now on it’s just walking until the roads are free from snow and safe for riding a scooter.

 

Ken is grateful for the free joys of life, like library. He decides to save the diesel in Herbert’s tank for one road trip next summer. Hopefully the summer will be warm and sunny since it’ll be mainly about staying at home.

 

Kaarna comes in gasping for breath while Ken is having breakfast.
- You’re having a panic attack? Try to breathe normally! Sit down. Everything’s fine, nothing to be afraid of.
- I read the news…
- I specifically told you not to! Why did you do it?!
- Only Yle and Hesari, but still… Ken… what if…? What if…? What are we going to do?


 Kaarna starts to cry and Ken is both angry and sad for her.
- Don’t think about the future. Now is now. You need to fill your days with happy things.
- I miss Mari and I can’t do anything but surf online.

- Think of something that makes you happy and draw it. Ken says and gives Kaarna a notepad.
- Mari makes me happy.
- Then draw her.
- Too difficult. I’ll end up hating myself when the drawing is all crappy and shitty.
- Then draw something FOR her. What does she like?
- Sex, chocolate, stupid musicals and selfies. Cute girly stuff.
- There’s a start then.
- Your paper and pencils are even crappier than my shitty drawings. I’ll use my own.

Mari has a fox tattoo on her back so Kaarna decides to draw a cute and girly fox.
 
And then another one, and another one… She draws foxes all day. And the next day. She can´t stop.

Kaarna wants to show Ken all her drawings.
- Wow, these are wonderful! I love all of them! And all these cute details… You’ve drawn so many of them!
- Twelve actually. I’m making a calendar for Mari.
- Great gift. I know I would be happy to get a calendar like this.
 
 
When the afternoon sun reaches Ken’s yard, he goes outside with a book. Filia arrives carrying a three legged plastic chair and Ken says:
- I’ll get you a steady chair to sit on.
- Yes, of course. This chair is not for me. It’s for Pappos Elvis.
 
Then Filia brings the half burnt portrait of Elvis and an antique tea set on a silver tray.
 
She tells that the painting was the only thing she managed to save from the fire. A few tears appear on her eyes when she tells about losing the old chair of Pappos Elvis. 
 
Fortunately some days after the fire she found her silver tea set from the ashes. It’s been in her family for a long time and Pappos Elvis always wanted to have his tea in this cup.
 
Ken is a bit annoyed of Filia’s presence, but on the other hand life could be far worse than sunbathing with Elvis in the middle of snow.
  
 
Kaarna is feeling really happy. Drawing makes her smile, the calendar is ready and Mari has kept her promise. Every night she sends Kaarna a blue heart emoji. Kaarna can´t wait to give her the calendar.
 
- I’ve missed you so much, babe! Mari says and grabs Kaarna to her arms. Usually this is when they rip off their clothes and have wild sex, but now Kaarna is too excited about something else:
- I’ve made something for you! A gift!
 
She gives the calendar to Mari, who sits down and looks at all the pages. She says the drawings are really lovely and she likes Kaarna’s style. But something on her face makes Kaarna really uncomfortable.
 
- But…? I see a but coming…What is it? Kaarna asks and feels a horrible dark stone already growing inside her stomach.
 - It’s a wall calendar and my home is… you know, white. I don’t really want any colorful stuff on my walls…Mari says quietly.
 
Kaarna grabs the calendar and feels a tsunami of shame hitting her. Everything goes black, she can’t see anything. The pain strikes first in her wrists, and spreads up her arms. All the strength on her legs disappear and she collapses on the floor. All she can think is that she wants to die now… but her body doesn’t move.
 
Mari gets alarmed and doesn’t understand what’s happening.
- Kaarna! What’s going on? Look at me, say something!
But Kaarna is unable to talk. The shame has made her mute, hurt and paralysed. She hopes for the earth to swallow her, but nothing happens.
 
- Do you want me to leave? Mari asks, and Kaarna wants to scream ”Don’t leave me, don’t ever leave me! Help me! Love me! Please don’t hate me!” but not a single word comes out of her mouth.
 
 Mari puts her arms around Kaarna and says softly trying not to panic:
- Please open your eyes, please look at me.
Kaarna wants to, but she can’t. Mari holds her extremely tight and then the crying finally begins. Kaarna yells and screams, as tears fall down along with the snot and Mari rocks her gently. 
 
It takes quite a while before she can talk:
- This hasn’t happened in a long time. It’s a terrible feeling… I sort of look at myself from the outside and see that I’m acting like an imbecile, but I can’t change anything. And then there’s the physical pain without any reason… My arms hurt so badly and all I want is to stop living because the shame is unbearable… I’m sorry I gave you such a thoughtless gift. I’m sorry you had to see me like that. I understand if you want to go.
 
Does Mari leave or stay? She stays. It’s a relief for Kaarna. But they are still not having sex, which makes Kaarna’s fear grow. ”I’m no good, she doesn’t want me. She only stays because she feels sorry for me.”
 
Kaarna is quiet but Mari talks:
- That was really scary to watch. I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t know if you want me to be here or get the hell out. And I’m sorry I caused it all! I feel terrible now! I’ve never been more horrified before. I was so afraid.
- You did great. I needed to be hold and hugged. It’s the only thing that helps. And you did that.
 
Kaarna decides it’s finally time to discuss about their relationship.
- Mari… I think we need to talk about us. What are we to each other? How do you feel about me? I know I’m very much in love with you. That’s what makes me so insecure, because I worry if you don’t want me. Falling in love scares the shit out of me. I’m at my worse when I’m getting serious with someone.
- Serious? Oh Kaarna…
 
 Mari says:
- I don’t know anything yet. I like you a lot, I absolutely adore the sex, and mostly I feel good when we are together. But we are so different, so I don’t know if we’re a good match…
- Do you want to find out? Or do you want to be fuck buddies or something? Are you seeing other people too?
- No… I only want to date you. Sex is so much better with you than with anybody else ever. And yes, I want to get to know you better and see where this goes. But I can’t promise you anything else.
 

 
 

Hector gives Ken a lift to the bigger city, when he takes his mother to a geriatric specialist. While their own hometown is still all snowy, here the streets are dry. It feels like spring!
 
Ken buys water color paper of good quality. He wants to encourage Kaarna to keep on painting since it’s clearly doing her good.
 
Hector takes his mother and Ken to an early dinner. Them three laughing over a delicious meal is just like back in the good old days except that the food is not cooked by Ken’s mother-in-law and she has become a picky eater.
- I’m not hungry, I’ll only have coffee. I’ll eat a little something at home.
 

 
- Hey Ken… did you really like my foxes or were you just being polite?
- I loved them! I’m actually a bit jealous to Mari for getting a calendar.
 
No need to be jealous anymore. It’s yours now.
- What?! Thank you!!! But… Why?!
- Don’t ask.
 
- Ok. I actually have something for you too. Ken says and gives Kaarna the water color pad.
- Ken! This is really expensive! I could never afford decent paper like this!
- I know. I thought I want to invest on you, Ken laughs.
 
Ceramics by Hanna Kettunen. "Muistoja I" 
 
Kaarna goes to the art museum to find some inspiration. It’s wonderful to notice that her self confidence is a tiny bit better than last winter when she couldn’t even come here at all. Now she is able to admire other people’s talent instead of feeling jealousy.
 
Installation by Maiju Ruotsalainen. "Tahdon kasvaa ulos muoteista"
 
 
 
To be continued.